BOREDOM / DISTRACTION

DAY 49, 28/11/11.

Half way there and I’m bored, fucking bored. And I’m doing too much thinking, far too much fucking thinking. Part of the problem is that I spend allot of time on my own, I drive trucks for a living and consequently the working week is spent in solitude. So you need a distraction right? And seen as though listening to the radio is about as enjoyable as shoving meat skewers in your ears I have looked elsewhere for my entertainment. That’s where podcasts come in. Do you listen to any podcasts? They are (generally) fucking awesome – unfiltered, uncensored, genre specific, honest and free! Life, the world, the universe both physical and metaphysical laid bare for your entertainment. Try listening to constrained, commercialised, agenda biased, influenced opinion on talk radio after immersing yourself in some really good podcasts. It’s impossible.

Anyway, as awesome as they are it does present some issues for the lone worker. The problem is they make you think, allot. Through the podcasts I listen to I have been exposed to so many interesting people with really interesting ideas and opinions that you start to look around you a bit more and start to see the world for what it really is. Really. You are no longer distracted. Your eyes are open. And if you happen to be single, with no kids and no career to speak of, has stopped watching football and also happen to not be drinking then your usual avenues of distraction are no longer there.

 Now I’m not trying to claim that I’ve stumbled upon something revolutionary here and I’ve mentally elevated and separated myself from the herd or anything stupid like that. I know that everyone thinks about this shit from time to time, but after a while most people have one of their distractions arrest their attention and inevitably they settle back into the normal groove. I, on the other hand have no distractions. I’m thinking about this shit all the time. Take this for example; last week I was driving north along the M5 heading back to Bristol. It was around 5 in the evening so it had just got dark. Inevitably my mind started to wander, looking at the red tail lights of the cars streaking ahead of me and the white lights of the cars speeding down the southbound carriageway it occurred to me that they resembled red and white blood cells racing down arteries and veins of some kind of massive biomechanical organism that we are all a tiny part of. Think about it; it really is alive! Just like any organism it’s constantly moving, growing, regenerating and breaking down all at the same time. If part of the system breaks down or becomes in-efficient a new part grows in its place. New cells are introduced to the system every day as the old ones die off. So if that’s the true nature of reality then what’s the point of my existence if ultimately I’m just a part of a machine that seems only to exist to produce shit that we don’t really need? What the fuck? Is my sole purpose to reproduce so there’s another me ready to be plugged into the system in 18 years? And if it is then what’s the point in that? Do we really learn anything about our humanity and the reason for our existence in this paradigm?

Anyway, like I said. Some distraction would be a relief from time to time. And I’m not looking for sympathy here, I’m aware that I’m doing this by my own choice and I have to deal with what a lack of distraction throws at me. But I wonder if that’s what booze does for us? Is it just something that distracts us from the grind? How many times have you been flooded with relief when you’ve got to the pub on a Friday afternoon after a hard weeks work? It seems to me that most of us wish the week away while we plan for the weekend right?  FUCK. That’s depressing.

So what’s the answer? Don’t think? Think but don’t worry? Don’t think too much? Keep yourself distracted? I don’t know the answer, that’s what I’m trying to work out. It helps writing this blog, that’s for sure.

Here’s Doug Stanhope explaining all this better than I ever could:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0ZKH2PGA8g

Putting in the work!

DAY 23, 8/11/2011.

I had a bit of a revelation this morning.

 If the last three weeks have given me anything it’s the drive and mental clarity to put in order the things in my life that whilst I was drinking I would have allowed to fester just because I’m lazy. So I remembered that I hadn’t changed my address with my car insurer since I moved to Bristol, not a big deal but it needed to be done. I make the call and get told that my honesty is going to cost me £120! For a policy that’s going to expire at the end of January 2012! That’s an additional £40 for every month that the policy has left to run, which means in turn that the policy would cost an additional £480 for an entire year! The fucking thing originally cost me £340!!! Oh and did I mention that if I did have to claim that I’d have to pay a £600 excess? Needless to say I wasn’t happy. More fool me for thinking those assholes would even consider giving their customer a fair deal in these circumstances eh?

Anyway, let me stop ranting here and get to the point.

After I put the phone down I was suddenly overcome with the urge to drink. It rose up from my stomach and up to my head leaving me feeling dizzy for a second. At any other time my mind would have carried on down that path and immediately start thinking about who I could get to come out drinking with me. Ridiculous right? Why is it at times like that my first instinct is to do something that’s ultimately only going to compound the misery and expense? It reminded me of a quote from Bill Burr: “I’m fucking sick of fatties complaining that they eat because they get depressed. How come no-one gets sad and does sit-ups?” I suppose we do it because it’s the easy option, get tanked up or eat a family bucket of KFC whilst you curse your bad luck. Yeah, that would be the easy thing to do and probably what I would have ended up doing a few months ago.

The truth is that until this morning I’ve been struggling to come up with something to write in my blog, nothing has really struck me as worth writing about over the last week or so. That all changed when this morning instead of going drinking I went for a run. I’ve been running on and off over the last few years as a way to maintain some kind of fitness and order in my life to offset the boozing and bad eating that I was doing from time to time. I find that I do my best thinking when I’m running, things just seem clearer. I’m not exactly sure why this is, I guess it’s a combination of the adrenaline and the fact that you’re doing something positive for yourself that asks your mind to focus in on the things that really matter. Some of the most profound moments and best ideas I’ve had in my life have come to me during a run.

And that’s what came to me today as I ran over the Clifton Suspension Bridge and looked down the Avon Gorge, if you want to achieve something in life then you have to put in the work. Nothing is worth having in life that didn’t require some effort to achieve, otherwise you don’t own it. I suppose that’s why most lottery winners ultimately find that true happiness isn’t included with their win. It’s because they didn’t EARN IT. So in short, letting my urge to drink take over when I hit a bump in the road isn’t going to get me where I want to be. I’m pretty sure that no-one in history has ever truly achieved their dreams by lamenting their bad luck in a boozer whilst pouring pints of lager and pork scratchings down their neck!

So that’s what I decided to share with you today, it may not be that profound or insightful but I think it’s worth repeating. If you really want something for yourself you have to put in the work and maintain focus and drive or you’ll probably not get there. Valiant effort is worthy of praise but we only truly admire those who maintain the sacrifice and dedication required to realise their dreams. Buddhists say that it is a great gift to be born into a human body and that it is our responsibility to make the most of this temporary existence. So if like me, you feel that you could be doing more for yourself and the people you love then be brave enough to look at yourself and make the changes necessary to make your dreams come true.  I’m with you all the way.

Hangovers, regret and the way forward...

DAY 10, 26/10/2011

Ten days. Double figures. That was easy.

 Having said that I think the fresh memories of the last hangover I endured 10 days ago probably made it easy. It was terrible, nightmarish and something I’m not keen on repeating anytime soon.

After crashing out at around 11:30 on the Sunday evening I woke up around three hours later, my head pounding and guts spinning. It was bad, waves of regret and self loathing washed over me as the same thought ran through my mind over and over – YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN. Over the next six hours I tried to silence my mind and get back to sleep but the voice wouldn’t quieten down, it wanted to be heard, it wanted me to learn the lesson I had chosen to ignore over the last 20 years: one night on the piss is fine, two nights is pushing it and three nights is just plain stupid.

I’m not entirely sure why I’ve pushed myself to these limits time and again during my adult life, I suppose I always thought “Fuck it! You feel like shit now, why not get back on it and feel better?” What I tend to forget at these times is that the relief is temporary; oblivion is a realm from which you are bound to return and all too soon it’s the morning again and time to face the consequences of your decisions...

I suppose that’s what I’m trying to achieve over the next 100 days, to try and wrestle control of the part of my subconscious mind that says “Fuck it” in those moments. It has never taken much too convince me that another drink is a good idea, I’ve always been a willing drinking buddy for any of my mates who happen to have a bit of a thirst on!

I think I’ve always lived like that, stumbling through life making decisions on the fly with little thought of the consequences. I’ve always been an impulsive person; if something felt good then in all likelihood I was going to end up doing it. You might be thinking that that sounds like a pretty good way to live life and in some regards you’re right! Although I’m starting to form the opinion that It all hangs on whether the decisions you make have a positive effect in the long term.

So that’s what I’m trying to do, make a decision that has a positive long term effect on my life. Sounds easy right? We’ll see.  It’s easy for now whilst the memories of a long night in the Stratford Holiday Inn are still fresh in my mind. I have a feeling, however, that over the next few weeks a freshly poured pint with a foaming head and condensation running down the glass is going to look more tempting than a naked Scarlett Johansson covered in honey holding a large suitcase filled with unmarked £20 notes...

It all starts here..

I have never written a blog before, come to think of it I’ve never written anything original since school, except for the odd joke or outrageous statement on Facebook or Twitter I’m pretty much a novice when it comes to original creative writing. Anyway, I’m going to do my best to make it as entertaining and honest as I can without being too hamfisted or corny (see how I’m front loading the excuses to lower your expectations? Clever eh?).  The first entries in my blog are going to follow my experiences as I try something that until know I have found very difficult to do even a small part of...

100 DAYS OFF THE BOOZE

DAY 5, 21/10/2011

I’m going to try and do something I haven’t done in probably 20 years – go 100 days without having a single alcoholic drink. If I complete this challenge the next time I have a drink will be Wednesday the 25^th of January 2012.

 If you don’t know me you’ll probably be thinking that this is going to be a rambling, depressing account by an obvious alcoholic. I hope I can convince you that isn’t the case. I don’t consider myself to be an alcoholic, I just like to drink! I hardly drink in the week (anymore), I just like to get trollied when I’ve got a few days of work, but who doesn’t like to do that? Well, quite a few probably but let me stop trying to justify my actions and tell you why I’m doing this in the first place.

Five days ago during a very boozy trip to London with two of my good friends I had something of a revelation.  After two days hard drinking we went to the Leicester Square Theatre to see Bill Burr (an American comedian and a hero of mine www.billburr.com / www.themmpodcast.com ) I had promised myself that I wouldn’t drink that day but the crushing hangover accumulated over the last two days meant that at that point another six beers on the South Bank of the Thames were purely medicinal.

We drunkenly made our way to the theatre and bought another beer to get us through the show. During his set Bill began to talk about how he had just passed a year sober. He had started his run with a 100 day stint after he had realised that his 26 year drinking habit had slowly swollen his head to something roughly the size of a watermelon. I found this very amusing and along with the rest of the crowd laughed at Bill and how pathetic he must have looked with a bloated melon for a head.

 After the show I queued to get my DVD signed and take a picture with Bill, as soon as I had met my hero and shook his hand I rushed to look at the picture my mate had just taken. It was fucking hideous. So hideous in fact that I had him delete it immediately before it found its way onto the internet (I’m sure he was already planning to do this as he was rather reluctant to delete it).

 My head looked fucking enormous; an alcoholic sheen of sweat covered my forehead and I had cheeks as bright red as a freshly spanked arse. I was shocked; suddenly I was looking at a pathetic bloated booze hound and not the 20 something stud muffin my stupid ego had me believing I still was. It hit me like a shot to the nuts – I was getting old and if I continued to abuse my body eventually I was going to end up with a melon for a head.

So I have decided to follow in the footsteps of a great man and see if I can crack a 20 year habit that up to this point has brought me fuzzy memories of great nights out with good friends, regrettable intimate encounters, an 18 month driving ban, an empty wallet, large doses of self loathing and probably an enlarged liver. I’m not going to blog every day or document every experience of the next long 100 days of sobriety, just the things that I find interesting, funny or insightful. I hope you enjoy reading it and hope it maybe inspires other melon headed muppets to try it for themselves.